I know this will sound pretty gross,

To talk about an enemy, vicious and grandiose,

Who’d attack you when you least expect,

Catch you unawares, unsuspecting and unchecked.

 

Amidst discerning company and the office gang,

It will hit you, unannounced, with a loud bang,

Whispering sweet nothings to your sweetheart,

It’d erupt from your bottom, the giant fart,

The fiend, the foe, the deadly devil,

That will blow apart your pride, to rock bottom level.

 

Make no mistake, and never underestimate its power,

Especially after a hearty meal of beans and cauliflower,

You’d think it’d be a silent one, and pass by unnoticed,

With the possibility of it sonically ascending, remotest,

And you let it escape nonchalantly, without a care,

When it startles you with a boisterous backfire mid air,

Breaking into a thunderous clap and a roar,

Shrieking and screeching, “Hahaha, you’re done for !”

 

Which begets the question, how do you apprehend this beast ?

Arrest its launch into outer space, after a savoury feast,

Crush it into a whimper, before it goes kaboom,

With the smelly blast echoing across the room.

 

What do you do when you can’t manage that sprint,

To the loo, before the world whiffs a gaseous hint ?

How do you manage to put on mute,

The treacherous tushie toot ?

 

Do you squeeze your cheeks till they go into a spasm ?

So the fart implodes in your posterior chasm,

Praying that it is not a strong wave,

That doesn’t die, and doesn’t behave,

With a foolproof plan to escape,

Out of the sphincteric gape,

Whistling as it goes,

Steady as the wind blows.

Or do you give up and lay down your arms ?

Forget your manners, and say goodbye to your charms,

Let it out and explode,

Just relieved to unload,

Not troubled of what the world may think,

That some may giggle, and others may crack up in a blink.

 

Do you wait to enter a noisy domain ?

So that a distraction you may gain,

Break wind without evoking suspicion,

And drown the bellow of the butt emission.

Or do you break into a song ?

Tap your feet, or clap for a dance along,

Talk aloud, or turn up the musical score,

Move the creaking chair against the floor,

To douse the derriere detonation,

In the background of clamorous vibration.

 

You may consider yourself lucky, to find an outbound,

Which every now and then, escapes without a sound,

But oh dear, the quieter ones have the smelliest stink,

And if you thought you got away with it, you may like to rethink,

So if you are caught with that impostor amidst strangers, in a lift or a small room,

Get ready to feign the ‘Not me’ glance, when looks question who and whom.

 

An accident happens, once in blue moon,

Horrific memories of which, you’d like to erase soon,

A time when you tried to discreetly fart,

But also shat in the endeavour, turning it into a ‘shart,’

A fart gone horribly, horribly wrong,

The sight of a splatter, and the sound and the smell along.

 

What wouldn’t you give to usurp,

The mighty anal burp !

An arm and a leg to annihilate,

The gassy bowel inmate,

Or trim it down to a vapoury trickle,

So you wouldn’t be caught in a pickle,

And the farts of the world, wouldn’t join forces and fuse,

To overpower the humans, with the stink profuse,

And no matter what food you ate, spicy or bland,

The earth would be a fart – free land.