Mumbai Diaries

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My tryst with Mumbai began with a dislike for the city, admixed with frustration and confusion. The houses and the PGs were pigeonholes, on top of which, when I went around looking for a single room, the frequent question was, “ Share nahi karna hai ? Kyun ?” After much cajoling and convincing, that some human beings (read this Central Delhi brat) need their personal space and can’t always ‘ adjust ’, I got habituated to being shown tiniscule, windowless cubes that rented at 10K per month, until I found one I could fit into. The killer humidity could put Delhi’s 48 degrees of scorching heat to shame. I did not understand the city’s obsession with vada-paos (those sauceless, mayoless burgers) and naming every third park after ‘ Naana-Naani.’ There were no excuse-mees to ask for way, but a curt ‘ Baaju !’ And shockingly, people made kissing sounds in order to beckon someone. When the rains came, it was a four month long thunderous downpour, that clogged the drains while we took the ‘riks’ and swam in muck and sewage en route to work.

A year later, I found myself as an Mch resident at Tata Memorial Hospital (TMH), getting used to conquering the trials and tribulations. The green see-through scrubs with the pajamas inexplicably ripped at the bottom seams ( Was it our fatty posteriors ?… Or our gassy interiors ?) that we made a dash for in the morning, carrying a mental checklist – “ Check the naada, check for holes behind and below…” The Tuesday staple sabuddana khichhdi which the TMH cafeteria single handedly ruined for everybody. In all these years I always wondered who the 1% fasting staff was, for whom this evening naashta was intended. Not to mention, the upma and the poha, which everyone had more than a lifetime’s share of. Working for 16 hours as a first year and then getting calls in the dead of the night with a voice squeaking “ Doctor, Bed number 123 ka urine output only 800ml hai.” While some would reply politely and tell the sister not to worry, others would put in a tongue in cheek like “ Itna susu to maine bhi raat bhar nahi kiya.” Learning another language was always difficult but a few Marathi phrases got me through – “ Tikre zopa ”, “ Ghaabru naaka ”, “ Saieel soda ” ,“ Pot aatmade ghya ” and the requsite “ Thaamba!”, ” Laukar !” and ” Patkan !”

In all those five years, I never realized how Mumbai grew on me. Days were long and arduous at the hospital, but a hearty laugh expunged all the aches and pains. No matter what the patient load, no matter what the odds, things got done – biopsies, PCNs and CT scans, physician referrals, emergency explorations and OT lists. And even then, it was never too late for a sea side stroll or a movie in the city that never sleeps. When the TMH cafeteria botched up the dinner, Canara and Aditi fed the Tata inmates. Catching the sunrise at Marine Drive on a Sunday, or gorging on lunch at Pizza by the Bay, the joyride never stopped. And before you knew it, you were salivating at the sight of vada- paos and swaying to songs on your headphones, oblivious to the rain and the traffic. ‘ Chalega ’ had replaced ‘ Theek hai ’, ‘ Ek number !’ had kicked out ‘ Ye baat !’, ‘ Mast hai ’ had taken over ‘ Sahi hai ’, ‘ Baaju ’ had toppled ‘ Bagal mein ’ and ‘ Barabar ’ had usurped ‘ Bilkul.’ The years zipped by as we wrestled duties and night outs, busy weeks and Sunday breaks and exams and celebrations. But just like that, the time ran out too, jostling us out of the reverie, asking us to pack our bags and leave.

I never thought leaving Mumbai would be so hard and painful. I never thought I would end up romanticizing it to Delhiites. And missing it so. I left with a heavy heart but with memories to cherish for a lifetime. I have so many extraordinary people and so many remarkable things to thank for ! Here’s a big shout out and dhanyavaad to my family, friends, teachers and colleagues who helped and supported me, and made this a wonderful adventure.

Dance Basanti

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Dance is the medicine to everything. It is as indispensible as coffee. And it stays with you through all the ups and downs of life. Eat, pray and love all you want, but there is nothing like dance to lift your spirits up. Everyday, when you come home, lock your door, turn on the music, and dance. Forget what happened at work, and dance. Whether the day was good or bad, whether you are feeling happy or sad, drop everything and dance. If you are overjoyed, jump and leap, and bobble your head this way and that. If you are down in the dumps, get up on your feet, twirl around to some happy music and make circles with your hands. And if you are feeling just like you do on ‘any ordinary day’, wave your arms to your favourite song, twist and untwist your legs and swing your hips away.

 

Dance like you did as a kid, oblivious to everything and everyone. Dance like no one is watching. Do the eighties break dance, or the seventies Saturday Night Fever disco moves. Move your arms at the hinge joints and do the robot dance. Sprinkle talcum powder on the floor and attempt the MJ moonwalk. Spin round and round and scream whee ! Break into a tango, a shimmy or a sixties twist. Enact every word of a song. Do the ‘vulgar’ pelvic thrusts and the bum moves in your bedroom. Try the twerk, if you’d be so brave. Turn on a rock number and do the headbanging and the air guitar. Or perform a solo waltz with one hand on an imaginary shoulder, and another around a dreamy lover’s waist. And when it’s raining outside, dance to old Hindi movie songs with a coffee in hand.

 

In your world of Dance, you are the salsa queen, the Bollywood enchantress and the belly dancing seductress. You are the dancing champion, you raise hell, and there is no one like you. Dance like there is no tomorrow. Dance all your worries away. Dance with all your heart. Dance a stellar performance and take a bow to the empty room. Dance in the shower singing into the soap. Dance amidst others, mixing Bhangra steps with electro music. Dance in front of the mirror in a public restroom. Dance in the trial room, trying on a pretty dress. Stop and break into a dance during your morning walks at random. Click your heels and whirl around to the music playing in your head. Dance in the rain, dance in the sun, dance in the snow. Dance till you can’t dance anymore and then dance some more. Dance till the day you can’t live without it, and then dance through your life, all the way to the end. And the sun and the stars will dance with you, in celebration.

Addendum to the Hippocratic Oath

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I will always respect the ‘Google Maata,’ for she is always ere and better informed than I.

I will work for more than 24 hours straight and not once, even for a minute, will I sit down for rest, lest a media hound snaps that moment of a pause for the world to see and condemn.

I will not expect any pay for my work, for my family’s needs would be taken care of by God and his men.

Any ‘personal time’ or ‘family time’ will be considered a crime, liable to persecution and legal action.

I will be expected to have a contrast enhanced CT vision, to diagnose patients’ illnesses without ordering any ‘expensive tests,’ and to pick up complications, if any, the nanosecond they happen.

I promise, never to err at any time, or subject myself to the risk of being beaten up by the patient’s relatives.

I shall expect, for my work, no respect ; rather, I could be sued anytime for wrongdoing and neglect.

I will neither eat nor drink any food or beverage, remotely linked to any disease, in any case report published by Google, even in the confines of my house, if I chance to visit it at the end of the day.

I will be under constant scrutiny, and all my doings, including the restroom breaks, will be watched over like a hawk, around the clock.

I am neither God nor a normal human being, but a healing machine with Godly powers, dutifully bound to perform miracles in the worst of sickness.

What ails Indian Medicine ? Part one

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Something is ailing in the Indian medical community. We are no longer the ‘respected’ profession, the parents – including doctors, want to push their children into. As 18 year olds, most of us were coerced into medicine by our families, prepared for the long journey in spite of all odds. The light at the end of the tunnel was becoming valued doctors, admired and appreciated by the community and the country. But the odyssey is long and arduous and full of toils and bumps and obstacles. So it takes a decade and some years more, from graduation to post graduation and then super specialization. And along the way, we come to terms with the reality of how, even in our late twenties, we are financially dependent on our parents, unlike our friends from school who are professionally settled and financially blooming. And by the time we join as consultants in government or private sectors, the rat race has begun at full throttle, to make up for the lost time.

 

There is nothing wrong with the race to the top. We are professionals, and unlike what some people may think, we have families and we’d like to be paid for the hard work, thank you very much. But unlike other professions, we deal with human lives – in sickness and in health. Ours is not just a shop to run, or a business empire to expand. Ours is not a profession to lure customers, away from the competitors into our lair. Which is why, it is disheartening to see doctors undermine and belittle their colleagues and competitors – in front of the patients and in public.

 

Professional jealousy, ego, business rivalry or the number race – no reason can justify this atrocity. Saying “ That doctor ruined your case !” or “ That doctor is a fool and knows nothing !” or “ That doctor is a fraud. He cheats his patients,” may earn someone brownie points, with the patient who has come to his clinic after a tremendous amount of doctor shopping, but disgraces medicine, and the medical community as a whole. How can we expect a patient to respect medical professionals if we don’t respect each other ? When we are out there, at each other’s throats determined to bring each other down at any cost ? How will the people trust doctors, if we ourselves, are giving them reasons not to. One doctor is trashing his rival and him, vice-versa. And the karma is turning around a full circle and giving it back to us, beating us down multifold. The irony of it all, is that the only time we seem to be standing together and watching each other’s backs, is when a few disgruntled relatives turn hooligans and thrash one of us down.

 

All of us our different, some may be more skilled than others, some may be more competent than others, but we can all agree that almost all of us strive towards a common goal – patient care. And none of us, to our knowledge, are unabashedly evil. One doctor’s approach towards a patient’s condition may be different, and what he or she did, may not be what some other doctor would do, but that doctor still acted in good faith and to the best of his or her ability. So it gives us no right to be self-righteous, and shout from the rooftops of how our ‘competitor’ mismanaged a case, and how things would have been so much better, if only the patient had come to us first. If unity binds our community in times of ordeal, when one of us has been horrifically treated by members of the public, or elected representatives thereof, the same thread should bind us in each day of our professional lives. Because though the practical world is all about the competition and the bad mouthing and the shrewd business and the numbers to show it, we are better than that.

 

Purple and Pink

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Purple is the colour of royalty,

Resplendent flowers, lavender, orchid and lilac,

Eggplant, grapes, plum and blackberries,

And a purple bruise turning bluish black.

 

Pink is a cherry blossom in bloom,

Bougainvilleas in the garden, singing,

Flamingos strutting on the lake,

And piggies on the farm, playing.

 

The inside of a guava,

Strawberry ice cream and shake,

Bursting bubblegum and cotton candy,

And the syrupy concoction for bellyache.

 

Pink lips signing a kiss,

Rosy cheeks, pink in adulation,

Hearty in the pink of health,

A bubbling champagne for celebration.

 

The colour for the female newborn,

The clothes hanging in a girl’s closet,

And the pink ribbon to stand up and fight,

Against breast cancer for the women who got it.

Oranges and Yellows

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Orange is a tangy fruit,

A berry and a tangerine.

An orange marmalade spread,

A decorated pumpkin on Halloween.

 

The resplendent marigold flowers,

Goldfish, parakeets and butterflies,

The colour of a monk’s robes,

And of Tuesdays that Hanuman devotees idolize.

 

The fire that warms you up,

And autumn leaves on the driveway,

The breaking dawn and the fading dusk,

The brightest hue in cosmic display.

 

Yellow is the colour of lemons and mangoes,

Bananas, pineapples, corn and cheese,

Egg yolks, honey and butter,

And custard I could have more of, please ?

 

The mustard fields in the countryside,

A sunflower in bloom,

A canary in song,

And a bumblebee buzzing in the room.

 

The rubber duckies in your bathtub,

The smileys on your tee,

The minions that make you laugh,

And beer and booze and pee.

 

Yellow is a bright Lamborghini,

A slow down sign of traffic light,

Dorothy’s yellow brick road,

A soccer penalty that erupts into a fight.

 

Yellow journalism for sensational news,

Yellow pages for business,

The tropical yellow fever,

And yellow eyes in illness.

 

The haldi and the gold for the bride,

The bright, bright sun,

Yellow is sunshine and hope,

And a bunch of happiness and fun.

All the Single Ladies

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India is not used to its single ladies. They are a cause of pressing concern to the bade-buzurg of the family and the unclejis and auntyjis of the neighbourhood. Their dhalti umar often invokes distress pleas from these well-wishers… “ Kab shaadi kar rahi ho tum,” “ Ladke dekhna to shuru karo,” or “ Ek ladka hai meri nazar mein, baat chalaun kya?” adding unabashedly, “ Ladke hi pasand hain na tumhe?”… Even the caste crazed elders find it their moral duty to let go off their rigid conditions and preach, “ Caste ke peeche mat pado. Koi bhi acchha ladka mile to shaadi kar daalo.”

Rephrasing Miss Austen’s opening line in Pride and Prejudice, it is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single Indian woman in possession of a good judgement and character, must be in want of a husband. Whether it’s an occupational pause or an emotional clause, poor health or dearth of wealth, the answer to all problems is marriage. Consequently, unlike married women, the single ones have a huge fan following – an army of chahne wale, whose anxiety for their ticking biological clocks burgeons in exponential proportion to their increasing age.  The nanosecond they enter their thirties, it’s a torrential downpour of “ Tees ki ho gayi hai !” “ Kab vyaah hoga?” “ Kab ghar basega?” and “ Kaise vansh chalega?”

The Indian family starts saving up gold for a girl’s wedding the day she is born. An academic achievement here and a career boost there is definitely worth an inaam or two, but ask the parents for jewellery and the instant reaction is, “ Sone ka kadaa ? Uska kya karegi abhi ? Teri shaadi mein denge. Chal ice cream khaane chalte hain aaj India Gate par.” So time and again, they are told ; Betaji, No shaadi, No Gold.

All the Hindu rituals are reserved for married women, be it the haldi ceremony of your beloved sibling or welcoming the groom at the entrance with an aarti ki thaali. The local auntijis are usually the bouncers at these functions, carrying a metaphorical “ No entry for the non-suhaagans ” banner, tut-tuting in perpetuum and casting their glaring, disapproving glances. Everybody is scared of the deadly virus of singlehood the non-suhaagans seem to be carrying, pledging to destroy the world of suhaagans with it.

The rest of the world is also not too kind to the Bhartiya single naari. Try going to an embassy for a visa and answering the visa officer’s questions…

“ Single ? Oh, I see. Why do you want to travel to our country ?”

“ I have a conference to attend.”

“ Hmm.. So you are single…”

They are just as scared of the single ladies tribe. For burdened with the constant nagging to settle down, and the periodical beeps from their biological clocks they have to put on snooze, these women may just marry their men and never come back. Much to the anguish of the members of the resident welfare associations of several colonies, many of whom were trying to fix up those thirty something kanyaas with their forty something divorced nephews.

It will take some time for India, to give a pappi or a jaadu ki jhappi to its single women. A little while longer, for the matchmaking enthusiasts, to supress their itch, to eye-roll and bitch. And a leap in spacetime continuum, to realize that the older kuunwaaries, are surprisingly not bechaaries. That they are not yet eager to devour the shaadi ka laddu ; for though they love the company of men, they love their independence too. And although these lovely ladies, dote on children and babies ; they are not ready to raise them yet, for all that this country may frown and fret.

Green

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Green is nature’s abundance,

Forests, plants and trees,

The green, green grass,

Greener in the neighbour’s breeze.

 

Capsicum and cucumbers,

A green salad diced properly,

Spinach and ladyfingers,

And the dreaded mighty broccoli.

 

The outside of a watermelon,

Those peas in a pod,

Kiwi, the health freak,

And the unripe mango, tangy and unflawed.

 

The stridulating grasshopper,

And the hopping frog,

A turtle basking on a beach,

And a parrot mimicking in epilogue.

 

Green is a moss spread in the woods,

The hoity-toity green tea,

Cupid’s ally, the mistletoe,

For lovers to kiss and flee.

 

The lust for greener pastures,

The wads of greens in your pocket,

To make others green with envy,

And to buy that emerald locket.

 

The slimy green slime,

And the mucus and the phlegm,

Those gems you extricate from your nares,

For others to tut-tut and condemn.

 

Green is the military and the Greenpeace,

The third stripe of the Indian Flag,

The much sought after Green Card,

Of which the ‘videshi’ boy likes to brag.

 

The Green Lantern and the Green Hornet,

The green room’s smokes and scenes,

Kermit the frog and Mike Wazowski,

And the magic of the green screens.

 

A greenhouse for the flora and the foliage,

The greenhouse gases to toast the earth,

And the greenhouse effect going awry,

For the fearsome global warming to take birth.

 

An endeavour to conserve and go green,

The green energy and the green revolution,

Reduce, reuse and recycle,

An ecodrive and a green resolution.

 

Green is the colour of life and growth,

And of rebirth, healing and hope,

The colour of nature’s imprint,

Impressed on the Earth’s kaleidoscope.