You are not a Hindu



Where are we going as Hindus ? Our festivals have turned into pompous shows of extravagance. Celebrations with families and neighborhood have been overthrown by the pandals and festival melas, all trying to outdo each other with outlandish decors and loud speeches and celebrities and politicos. The sounds of the bells and the gongs and the conches are drowned by the loudspeakers blaring bhajans to the tunes of Bollywood songs.  Diwali used to be a festival of lights, poojas, diyas and rangolis. Instead we are lured by the mindless pre Diwali sales, the artificial electric lights and the booming crackers. Holi has become synonymous with outrageous songs, rain dances, alcohol and leering. Come Janmasthami, and cash prizes are offered for the dahi handi with many govindas losing their lives, or worse paralyzing themselves, in a bid to outperform each other in the race to climb and claim the coveted prize. Raavan dahan of Dussehra turns into a tragedy for hundreds, as people are drowned in the frenzy while safety takes a backseat. The return of the kaawads becomes a political game with the parties across towns making their shivirs on the roads, blocking main ways and turning traffic into mayhem. And then we take all the moortis and the flowers and the prasad, wrapped in toxic paints and plastic, and dump them into the rivers and choke them.

Why have our festivities turned into circuses of blind faith and tomfoolery and jarring displays of feigned reverence? Does God pick out and award the best ?… the best decorated pandal, the most exorbitantly decorated idol, the best lit house, and the people that promote these antics. Does he reward these picked winners with his grace, and shower them exclusively with his blessings ? Is the surest way of making God listen to your prayers, is to sing songs in his honor over microphones and loudspeakers, and to make them loud and clear for every earthly being living within the ten mile radius ?

What are these religious revelers thinking, if they are, at all, thinking ? …

“ Well, hello, hello. Jai Siya Ram, Har Har Mahadev, Jai Shri Krishna and Jai Mata Di. What are these ridiculous questions ? How can you call yourself a Hindu ? You should be ashamed of yourself. We don’t build pandals, Devi maa gives us sandesh to do it. If it blocks a main street, so be it. Everybody has to make sacrifices.  What traffic are you talking about ? Isn’t there already so much traffic in the city ? One pandal here and there, and it sets the tongues rolling. Bloody heretics ! How can you tell us how to celebrate our festivals ? We will build huge Raavan effigies near railway tracks, and we will burn them to the ground. Come Diwali, we will burn a billion crackers, we will light bombs, and we will fly rockets till kingdom come. Jisko bura lagta hai lage. This is between our God and us. Why shouldn’t we make merry on Holi, and drink and smoke and dance and tease the mohalla girls ? Even Lord Shiva smokes ganja. And what about Lord Krishna’s gopikas ? You talk about the bhajans on loudspeakers. The songs we play are in honor of our Gods. They are loud so that everyone can hear how ardently we love them. Ye bhakton ka zamaana hai. Did you donate for the Navratri celebrations in your locality ? No ? No wonder the celebrations were so lackluster this year. Well, you Madam, are a disgrace and an atheist and you will rot in hell for that. And you are no longer a responsible citizen of this country. You are more concerned about the plants and animals and the environment, than you are about human beings. All this nonsense about Diwali crackers terrifying the animals and the smoke killing the plants. You ask us to care about them when even God doesn’t. If he did, he would have made them humans. You see, we humans are made in the image of God. And we please only him. Rest of the earth gayi tel lene. The rivers  ? What are you talking about ? Ganga Maiyya is self cleansing – the holy water washes away all the dirt and sins. Yamuna ? Doesn’t she drain into Ganga ? You environmentalists have a habit of poking your noses into everything. With the blessings of Bholenath and Mata Rani, our celebrations will continue. And the bhakts will rule the world.”

Incredible India

American flag background for Memorial Day or 4th of July

An Indian parent…

“ Mummy, dekho kutta potty kar raha hai !”

“( Name – generally a syllable followed by AAN ) bete, ‘ kutta ’ nahi bolte – ‘ doggy ’ bolo. Say ‘ Doggy ’ !”

“ Mummy, dekho doggy potty kar raha hai !”

“ No darling, not ‘ potty ’! Say ‘ poo-poo ’! …”

“ OK Mummy, doggy poo-poo kar raha hai.”

“ Now say it English.”

“ Mom, doggy is doing poo-poo.”

“ Good Boy !” (Pun unintended)

After a few minutes…

“ Mummy, susu aa raha hai…”

A smouldering glare ensues…

“ Oh sorry. Mumma can I go pee-pee ?”


Meanwhile, an NRI parent abroad…

“ Bete, Mummy se bolna kude waala aaya hai ..”

“ Kude – what ?! Dad, say it in English.”

“ Can you tell Mom the garbage truck is here ? (Angez ki aulaad…) ”

Depression to hoga hi …


Kya ho gaya ? Bohat chup hai aaj …

Kuch nahi, bas mood off hai..

Grandmother :  “ Ghar ka khaana pasand nahi aata. Har doosre din burger, coke aur pizza. Daal, roti, sabzi to dushman hain. Depression to hoga hi.”

Grandfather : “ I tell you, this nayi peedi… No exercise, no morning walks… Hame dekho, kheti karte the, roz dand baithak karte the, koi majaal hai kabhi depression hua ho ! Mat suno bade-buzurgon ki. Depression to hoga hi.”

Mom :  “ Raat ko ek baje sote hain. Din mein barah baje utth te hain. Phir kehte hain ki mood off hai. Depression to hoga hi.”

Dad : “ Depression ?? Kis baat ka depression ? Kis cheez ki kami hai tumhe ? Ghar hai, khaana hai, acchha job hai. Aur kya chaiye ? Depression to un logon ko hota hai jo ghar mein pade rehte hain. Tum to apne kaam mein busy rehte ho, depressed hone ka time hai tumhe ? Batao… yahan duniya ki ladkiyan space missions par ho aaiieen, aur meri beti ko depression ho raha hai. Koi baat hui ?” (Sorry Papa, galti ho gayi.)

Sister : “ Aur sun purane bollywood ke gaane. Depression to hoga hi.”

Housekeeper : “ Kabhi ghar ke kaam mein haath batayaa hai ? Depression to hoga hi.”

Aunt : “ Yeh sab English picturon ke karan hai. Koi gaana nahi, koi dance nahi, log marte rehte hain. No happy endings. Depression to hoga hi.”

Uncle : “ Pucca B complex ki kami hai. Depression to hoga hi.”

Cousin : “ Ek mahine se shopping karne nahi chali. Depression to hoga hi.”

BFF : “ Maine bola tha na, uss party mein chal mere saath. Par nahi, dost to bewakoof hai. Ab bhoogat. Depression to hoga hi.”

Nephew : “ Pokemon Go nahi khelte naa… Depression to hoga hi.”

Neighbourhood waali Aunty : “ Hormones. Depression to hoga hi. ”

Boss : “ Sabse pehle office ka kaam, chahe ho neend haram. Warna, meri jaan… Depression to hoga hi.”

Quack : “ Poore body ka PET scan karna padega. Samasya ki jadd nahi milegi, to Depression to hoga hi.”

Cricket crazed fan : That bloody cheating umpire ! Galat LBW ka decision diya. Depression to hoga hi.”

Apple dealer : “ I phone 7 kyun nahi liya ? Depression to hoga hi.”

Bollywood : “ Pedon ke chaaron or dance nahi kiya ? Depression to hoga hi.”

Arnab Goswami : “ Depression ?? Why ? How ? Where were you hiding this ? The nation wants to know. We don’t buy this crap – ‘Depression to hoga hi’!”

Communist : “ Aur is economy mein kya hoga ? ‘Depression’ to hoga hi.”

Kejriwal supporter : “ Ye saara kasoor Modi sarkaar ka hai. Depression to hoga hi.”

Indian government : “ We blame Pakistan. Depression to hoga hi.”