Executerus

Uterus1

 

Batao bibi, kya takleef hai ?

Mere bacche daani mein bohat dard hai.

(Come again ?!)

Bacche daani mein ? Tumhe kaise pata tumhe wahan dard hai ?

(Aankhein hain ya X-Ray vision?)

The woman points to her lower tummy and proclaims confidently…Yahan dard rehta hai… bacche daani hi hai naa yeh ?

(Umm… no !  Your bacche daani is in your pelvis for starters.)

Bibi, yahan bacche daani nahi hoti..

Phir kya hota hai ?

Aantein hoti hain.

Aantein ? Nahi mujhe motion mein koi problem nahi hai.

Theek hai.. tumhare dard ke liye davaiyan likh rahin hun.

Nahin nahin. Davai-wavai nahi chaiyye. Mujhe bacche daani nikalwani hai..

Kyun ?

Kyunki mujhe bacche daani mein dard hai..

(Here we go again.)

Bibi, uske liye bacche daani nahi nikalte hain. Tumhe antibiotics de deti hun.

Phir davai ! Arey doctor, main bohat pareshaan hun. Leucorrhoea ki bhi itni problem hai.

(Of course. The most pracaharit ‘stri rog’.)

Accha ? Leucorrhoea ka matlab kya hota hai ?

Matlab ? Safed paani, aur kya ?

Bibi. Ye koi kaaran nahi hai operation karwaane ka.

Tum ajeeb doctor ho.. Arey main keh rahi hun naa, kar do.

Tumhari utsukta sarahneeya hai. Par tumhari razamandi ke saath doctor ki razamandi bhi zaroori hai.

Accha suno, mere chaar bacche hain. Aur bacche nahi karne hain. Aage main koi tension nahi chahti, isliye bacche daani niklwaana chahti hun.

To bacche band karne ka operation karwaa lo. Isme bachhe daani kyun nikalwani hai ?

Offo. Aur kya kaaran dun ?… Arey haan, mujhe date bhi time par nahi aati hain. Kabhi aage, Kabhi peeche.

Phir to kuch tests karwaane padenge.

Tests se kya hoga ? Bacche daani hi nikal do na.. pareshaani khatam.

(Bacche daani, ya cheez puraani ? Jo ab ban gayi ‘pareshaani’, aur kisi tarah hai nikalwaani.)

Log kehte hain umar ke saath bacche daani septic ho jaati hai..  Aur cancer bhi ho jaata hai.

Kaun log hain yeh ?

Mere pati, bade buzurg, mohalle waale.. sab hi kehte hain.

Mujhe nahi pata tha aapke chahne waale saare doctors hain.

Doctors ? Hain ? Kya matlab?

Kuch nahi.

Cancer ho gaya to mere bacchon ka kya hoga ?

(Master stroke. The ‘emotional’ cause.)

Tumhe kaise pata tumhe hi hoga ? Aur aise to shareer ke kisi bhi bhaag mein cancer ho sakta hai. Phir to operation karke, sabhi angon ko nikaal dena chaiye.

Hmm… main bhi soch rahi thi, ki bacche daani ke saath, appendix aur pith ki thaili bhi nikalwa lun.

(Stupefied silence)

Bibi mujhe maaf karo. Davai logi to likh deti hun.

Kamaal ki doctor ho! Bahar itna bada ‘lady doctor’ ka board laga kar baithi ho, aur bacche daani nahi nikal sakti. Chalo jee, hum kahin aur chalte hain. Time barbaad kar diya.

 

( Bacche Daani,

Aur safed paani,

Na ho jaye aage koi haani,

Isliye har mahila ko hai zabaani,

Yeh anokhi kahaani,

Ek uterine gaatha Hindustaani,

Jo sunai har ‘bibi’ aur har ‘rani’,

‘Lady doctor’ ko bhi yaad dilade naani.

Yeh hai garbh ki thaili, mere jaani ! )

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