Laws of motion of Indian lifts

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Dear countrymen…

Lifts all over the world, are engineered only to go up and down. Pressing the lift button repeatedly in frenzy, will neither move the lift faster, nor move it sideways, or diagonally, or in any 4th or 5th dimension.

The lifts are designed to heed to your call when you press Up if you want to go up, and Down if you want to go down. Pressing both Up and Down buttons simultaneously, will not halt the lift in time-space continuum and propel it through a wormhole to open into your floor.

It is unfair to be treated harshly for no fault of yours, but regrettably, the lift doesn’t run a hyperdrive or override module for you.

The people going up in the lift are not anxious for your company, cool as you might be. So if your destination is at the bottom floor, it may be prudent not to press the Up button, lest the lift stops at your feet and you are forced to flash your sexy grin, waving “ Upar jaa rahein hain kya ?!”

If you are not hearing anything on your mobile phone inside the lift, the plausible conclusion is that there is no network, not that you have to shout louder to hear your caller better.

If the lift starts beeping ‘overweight’ after you step in its confines, you – and only you, must have the privilege of stepping out. Not the already present others you are eyeing, premising that they are the cause of the weighty problem.

The footnote of the lift instructions manual alludes to a few suavities, none of which say that it is acceptable to cough in someone’s face or fart in someone’s space inside a lift.

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