How not to meditate.

1

 

“ Ok, let’s begin. Sit comfortably.”

Sure. Hari om.

“ Sit in the lotus pose.”

Wait… what ? That’s not comfortable. Do you know how hard this floor is ?

“ Keep your back straight. Don’t move.”

That’s impossible – I need to shift my bottom.

“ Are you in the moment ?”

I think so. My arse is really hurting at this moment.

“ Observe the sensations in your body…”

My nose is twitching. My bum is itching…

“ Now breathe – slow and deep.”

I think I’m about to sneeze. Aaa…. Aaa… Sorry, false alarm.

“ Don’t venture into the past.”

Of course not… I really should have bought those shoes, though.

“ Don’t think about the future.”

Hmm… What’s for dinner today ? It better not be tinday.

“ Be in the present.”

Do I smell chai ?

“ Listen to the sounds around you.”

Why is that kid next door bawling ?

“ Watch your breath go in and out.”

( Snoring )

“ Can you see the imaginary flame at your eyebrow center ?”

Not really. But I can see the imaginary chocolate.

“ Observe your body…”

Chandan sa badan…

“ Listen to your body…”

( Stomach growling )

“ Surrender yourself. Just let go.”

Oh shit, I just farted !

“ Breathe in. Breathe out.”

Are you nuts ? Don’t you smell the fart ?

“ Observe your thoughts.”

I think my bladder is full.

“ Not the past…”

I should have peed before this class.

“ Not the future…”

I wonder how long I can hold…

“ Observe the present.”

I really need to pee.

“ Don’t get carried away. Just be with the flow.”

Does he know something ?

“ Meditation is a thoughtless frame of mind…”

Right. No more thoughts. No more thoughts. Wait, isn’t that a thought ?

“ Be a passive observer.”

Inner peace. Zzzz…. Inner peace. Zzzz…

“ Be aware of this moment. Don’t sleep.”

Wha… I’m awake ! I’m awake !

“ Now watch that flame from your eyebrow center fade away.”

But I never saw the flame ! If it helps, the imaginary chocolate is gone too.

“ Open your eyes slowly. See how light you feel !”

I will, in a moment. If only I can reach the washroom in time.

“ Do you feel energized ?”

Trust me, I’m ready to run. Hari om.

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