No Reservations

1

 

Once there was a forest, lush and green,

With streams and plenitude and a king and a queen;

Until the day, the rains failed and it was hit by a drought,

And the life started dying and no new would sprout.

 

The king came up with an idea witty,

A plan to form a government committee;

To dig wells all over the land,

Reach deep into the core and harvest water by hand.

 

A grand scheme that would solve a lot of difficulties,

Fix the water scarcity and bring in job opportunities;

For they needed an animal in every acre,

Engineers, priests, scouts and labour.

 

At first the government showed responsibility,

Hiring animals on their merit and capability;

But then some members took an opposing stand,

And insisted, that the weaker animals be represented in the big band.

 

“But what if they are not trained or suitable for the job,”

Asked the wise tortoise, almost with a sob.

“Hush you fool,” said the king’s minister,

“Don’t utter such words sinister.”

“The king goes for polls next year,

 And everyone’s support, he holds dear.”

 

So the deer and the hares and the birds got their reserved places,

But soon everyone joined in their separate races;

All the animals wanted a bite of the pie,

And to get those jobs, they were ready to rage and cry;

Even the leopards and the tigers started fighting,

Burning the forest, biting and inciting.

 

In the end, each post in every job was reserved,

And no able animal, got what they deserved;

All those employed, didn’t know anything anyhow,

But nobody said a word, nor raised an eyebrow;

No well was dug, and no water came,

While the committee played, the game of blame and shame.

 

The plants and the animals started dying of thirst,

To find shelter in neighbouring lands, the others dispersed;

At wits end, and to embarrassment overcome,

The king came up with a quick-fix dumb;

Where wells were to be dug, statues were installed,

Of the Rain God and the River Goddess and millions sprawled.

 

Still there was no water and no rain,

Just a land laid to waste, and anger and pain;

Slowly, the life started ebbing away,

And that which was left, could not stand or burrow or prey;

As grass turned to sand,

A pack of wolves from a foreign land;

Raided the kingdom a few weeks later,

Snuck in by a begrudging traitor;

Killing and devouring everything in their way.

And thus died the forest on the doomsday.

 

This Panchatantra tale may be preachy and judgemental,

But resemblance to events, current, past or future, is intentionally coincidental;

Hoping, in this mayhem and confusion,

Someday we may find hope and reason;

End the hate and kick the reservation,

And let equality be our home’s foundation.

 

Murphy’s Law

murphys-law

Murphy’s Law states, in no order of particular importance, that :

No matter what your seat is on the aircraft, the diagonal distance (in feet) from a crying baby is constant.

The queue you are in, is always the longest. Especially when the nature’s call is strongest. And it increases in length, with your every chessboard move in the contest.

Your smartphone takes eons to recharge from 99% to 100% but seconds to discharge from 100% to 99%.

The stainiest food and the drooliest drip from your brood, electromagnetically attracts the newest dress with certitude.

The smelliest derriere blasts, are quite often the quietest. The loudest ones, on the other hand have a predilection for closed lifts and discerning company.

Your teeth turn into spinach hooks just before the toothiest smile and a frontal camera profile.

Among all the elements of this world, the time period for which you can wear a pair of jeans unwashed, has the highest tensile strength.

The nosy neighbourhood aunty calling out your pet name scores highest on the decibel scale. This test is validated strongest in the midst of your office colleagues.

You may not be Robert De Niro, or a superhero, but you will always be a zero for your boss.

The reason for all your problems is your marital status, single or married.

Fuller the stomach and fuller the bladder, bumpier the road. And dirtier the petrol pump commode.

When you’ve been bit by the stomach flu and the oft visited place is your loo, the Municipal Board spitefully cuts off the water supply too.

VDs

valentines-day

Amidst the barrage of heart shaped balloons and rose wrapped love-sick loonies on this Valentine’s Day (VD), here are a few ironic, oxymoronic, uncannily apt VD acronyms which could weakly or strongly be statistically associated with the crazy VD which is today…

Very Difficult

Voltage Drop

Volume of Distribution

Virtual Directory

Value Date

Veak and Dizzy (an emergency room non-urgent complaint)

Variability-Distortion

Vir Devotus (Latin: Devout Man, epigraphy)

Vivens Dedit (Latin: He Gave When Alive, epigraphy)

Vertical Descent

Venereal Disease

Vascular Dimentia

Voluntary Disclosure

Voluntary Departure

Weighty Wars

fat

It is probably a lot that I ate,
Or an ere supressed genetic trait,
Maybe a decelerated metabolic rate,
That pushed my BMI into ‘overweight.’

But let me make this straight,
It wouldn’t really help or motivate,
If you greeted someone at the gate,
Not with a hi, hello or you-look-great,
But “God, have you put on some weight !”

Coz there is a fact, if I may be so bold, to state,
Everyday, I look into a mirror and fixate,
Twirl around and my proportions calculate,
Wondering if the reflections an illusion create,
Praying for a magic pill for my adipose uprise to abate.

So, I don’t really need my ‘wazan’ update,
Or anyone to look concerned and an intervention implicate,
That I’m upping the scales is no cause for a debate,
Let us talk about the weather, if after a pause we must wait,
Coz this tale of weighty wars is hard to narrate,
And no reason to frustrate and infuriate,
For this may be hard for you to relate,
That to shrink myself thin, is what I obsess about most, of late.

Prelude

3

Lets strum and thrum,

Away the glum,

With a little rum,

And a bongo drum,

Swing and hum,

With a chaddi chum,

Act a little foolish, play a little dumb,

Live a little more, dance a little some,

For the New Year is here to welcome,

With party and fun to succumb,

Kick some ass and move your bum,

Beat away the humdrum,

Beginnings new and opportunities plum ,

Let happiness be the rule of thumb,

Brave your fears and hurdles overcome,

Breathe in, breathe out, a better you become,

Add family and friends and take the vector sum,

Cheer in plenitude to celebrations platinum,

Laugh alone, laugh aloud, laugh till you are numb,

Listen to your heart, whatever may come,

No bungee jumps or risks worth taking, to shy away from,

Run a mile, shout aloud, take a break, escape the scrum,

Put on your party shoes and hold your job to ransom,

A flashy dress, a few cocktails and no seal to enthusiasm,

Pause in the middle of meetings and burst into a song random,

Wear headphones at work and jive to the music and freedom,

Streak your hair red, or your nails neon and kill the boredom,

Give junk a chance and a little street food that makes you go yum,

Reach out and meet the friends that you call seldom,

Try something new and kick the ancient wisdom,

For this is a year to fire up and be awesome,

To love and live with every inch and every atom.

4

 

 

 

 

 

Terror-me-not

image

“ The system doesn’t understand us.”
“ Their government will never accede to our demands.”
“ This is a war I owe my brethren.”
“ They killed our people and we will avenge their deaths.”
“ Nothing came out of meetings or discussions.”
“ If you want something, you have to take it by force.”
………………………………………………………………………………..

Yes, we don’t understand you. Because we don’t understand terror. We don’t understand killing those who never wronged you. We don’t understand how taking a life could have so little meaning to you.

What is your cause really? And in all the terror attacks you raged, did you really get anything your brethren and your women and your children wanted ?

People are killed by idiotic, selfish pricks on both sides. No wrongs could be righted nor the dead returned no matter how many innocents’ blood you shed or bombs you blast.

You may call yourselves ‘brave’ for putting your life at stake for your cause, but nothing could be more cowardly than to sneak in to our cities and our homes while we are unarmed and unaware, and spray your bullets on our children and women.

A kid who doesn’t like his meal and throws away his plate of food only goes hungry. An angry teenager could never make his parents listen to him by smashing things around in frustration. Just like blasting towns and destroying lives will never get you anywhere. Because we will never cower down. And no matter what you inflict on us, we will rise again. Like we always do.

Nothing may come out of a single or many meetings. But nothing, for sure, came out of a war. Nothing except needless killings and burnt homes and shattered lives. And no cause could justify that. No cause in the world could look into the eyes of the dead and uphold itself to be for the better good.

Rainy blues

Rain

Rain, rain go away,
Come back another day;
Neha doesn’t want to wade,
Through waist deep water in Bombay.
Muck and sewage come to play,
With germs and disease and decay;
Lets not forget the road spray,
The price we all pedestrians pay.
In plastic shoes you must sashay,
Even if they squeak, to your dismay;
Jeans and cottons are passé,
But with synthetic garb, you’re okay.
Umbrellas are no protection, by the way,
Maneuver them in crowds, I dare say.
Monsoons are the best, they all convey,
I’d agree, if I whiled away, sitting in a café;
But I walk to work, everyday,
Drenched and soaked and in disarray.
‘I hope it doesn’t rain,’ is all I pray,
But its four more months with the Season Grey!

A pinky nail inquisition

Riddle me this, my thinking hat ;
Why do Indian men, keep a long pinky nail like that ?
Is it to better scoop their ear wax ;
Or to better pick their nose boogers with ?
Is it a spoon to sprinkle the salt ;
Or a knife to cut meat like a paleolith ?
Is it to scrape off their grimy scalp ;
The muck and the mites and all such menaces ?
Or is it a jugaad for a toothpick ;
To extricate plaque from the corners and the crevices ?
Is it a screwdriver to fine tune their gadgets ;
Or a weapon to gouge someone’s eye ?
A contraption to crack open an egg ;
Or a key to a secret closet, lest their wives should pry ?
Is it to better scratch an itchy bum ;
Or to stress that they really need to pee ?
And to top it all, they adorn it with nail paint ;
For women to chuckle and giggle with glee.

Mousy troubles

Mouse

There is a mouse in my friend’s bathroom,
Who wanted to add to his diet, a little zaiqaa ;
So he started munching on her bath soap,
And is now suffering from pica.

He thought he would slip under the radar,
And no one would smell a ‘rat’ ;
But he isn’t very clever, you see,
Coz every morning, he leaves behind a trail of crap.

At first I thought he might be a cute fledgling,
Who’s gnawing and chewing because he’s teething ;
But he seems to have a mature taste,
On a detergent bar, he wouldn’t dare his buds waste.

A metrosexual male that he is,
Only a fruity, flowery soap would do ;
To keep his bowels velvety smooth,
Rinse his interiors and soften and scent his poo.

Does he lick the wall paint,
or more abominably, eat his own shiite ?
Does he sneak a snack of chalk,
Or devour some teeth chattering crushed ice ?

Is there a bloodsucking hookworm lurking in his guts,
Or does he have tingling and numbness and bones that are weak ?
Is he suffering from separation anxiety,
Or is it a companion that he longs for and desperately seeks ?

If you, my dears, see a mouse roaming,
With bubbles from his mouth foaming ;
Do not scream and get a load of wrinkles,
Instead, just keep calm and give us a tinkle.

We’ll load him with iron and pump him with calcium,
And put him on some counselling and therapy ;
We’ll even register him on a wedding dot com,
Find him a beautiful wife and yell ‘whoopee !’

Mom

Mom

Dear Mom,

For waking up at nights, to put your crying baby back to sleep,

For dressing her up every morning and teaching her how to tie her shoe laces,

For being by her drowsy side, day and night for two days, when she drank half a bottle of cough syrup (true toddler story, that),

For never letting her bunk school, even on sick days,

For being there when she was in pain,

For teaching her school lessons on brown paper bags,

For waking up at 5 am to wake her up with a glass of warm milk,

For packing her school bag every night,

For helping her make friends, when she was a shy kid,

For laughing at her silly jokes,

For never telling her what not to wear,

For forcing her to take dance classes which she resented then but loves now,

For being her friend, her movie and shopping companion and the buddy she watched cricket with,

For loving her even when she was difficult and unreasonable,

For believing in her when she didn’t,

For cheering her up when she was down in the dumps,

For teaching her what was right, even if it was the hardest thing to do,

For always being with her, even when you were gone.

I love you, each moment, every day.

Hope you’re having a rocking time, up there in heaven !