Rhythmic multichromes

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One day, four kindergarten mates – alpha, beta, gamma and theta, met at a bar. Alpha had become a famous doctor, beta a popular psychologist, gamma a wrestler, and theta an amateur writer / blogger, enjoying the desi life. The bar was celebrating Holi Week, and as they gulped down their half-off drinks one after another, the nursery colour rhymes came spilling down (Red Red, Susu in the bed… Yellow Yellow, Dirty fellow…). Many shots later, the four friends decided to put their own twist on those intently perceptive verses.

 

Alpha sang, with a whiskey in his hand…

 

Red Red, Capillary Bed.

Blue Blue, Tropical sprue.

Green Green, Sickly Spleen.

Yellow Yellow, Oncology Fellow.

Violet Violet, Pancreatic Islet.

Brown Brown, Molar Crown.

Black Black, Cul de sac.

White White, T Lymphocyte.

Orange Orange, Saintly Florence.

Pink Pink, Catch a wink.

 

Then came Beta, jo ‘kabhi nahi peeta’…

 

Red Red, No fear you dread.

Blue Blue, Let happiness brew.

Green Green, No words obscene.

Yellow Yellow, Calm and mellow.

Violet Violet, You’re a fighter pilot.

Brown Brown, Simmer down.

Black Black, Cut some slack.

White White, Look on the side bright.

Orange Orange, No abhorrence.

Pink Pink, I’m a great shrink.

 

Gamma the macho man, gruffly his rhyme began…

 

Red Red, Drop Dead.

Blue Blue, Screw you.

Green Green, Stick your head in a latrine.

Yellow Yellow, Crush you like a marshmallow.

Violet Violet, My punch drive is on auto pilot.

Brown Brown, Back down.

Black Black, Hand me your lunch pack.

White White, Get up and fight.

Orange Orange, Are those headphones foreign?

Pink Pink, You and your rhymes stink !

 

Theta came in the end, and from him these words stemmed…

 

Red Red, Amul butter aur bread.

Blue Blue, Har jagah tatti ki boo.

Green Green, Pan thookne mein vileen.

Yellow Yellow, Murga bane main aur mera classfellow.

Violet Violet, Sab ka sahara, Sulabh Toilet.

Brown Brown, Masala chai at sundown.

Black Black, Deewane over Salman ke six pack.

White White, Daru marathon on international flight.

Orange Orange, Jai Maharishi Torrent.

Pink Pink, Patiala peg meri drink.

 

Lamba chala us din, wo colours ka session,

Aur sab ne jamaya apne profession ka impression,

Rangon ki saji bahaar,

Amongst kuch baithe yaar,

Bharat ke ubharte sitar,

Riyaaz karte hue in that bar,

With yaadein, spirits, aur random vichaar.

Christmas

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I told your parents that Santa ate all the cookies ;

They laughed and exclaimed that they were no rookies.

“You may be clever but you can’t outsmart us, sweetheart ;

Coz the chocolate reeks from the baby’s burps and your fart.”

I woofed and wagged and said that this was no laughing business ;

The season is here, folks, and it only smells like Christmas !

What’s in a name ? (At a government office)

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Naam boliye.

Neha.

Neha aage ?

Neha Kumar.

Neha ‘Kumar’ ??… ‘Kumar’ ??

Jee.

Ladeez thodi naa ‘Kumar’ lagati hain…

(Stumped silence)

‘Kumari’ hoga. Neha Kumari.

Jee nahi.

Pucca?

(Negotiating my surname, are we ?) Bachpan se yehi naam likhti aa rahi hun. Maa-Baap ne bhi yehi naam rakha tha.

Batao ji. Koi baat hui ? Neha ‘Kumar’! Maine to kabhi aurton ke naam ke aage ‘Kumar’ nahi suna. Manager sahab, aapne suna hai ?!

(I can hear my eyeballs, rotating in their sockets amidst the chattery chuckling.)

Maa-Baap bhi kaise naam rakh dete hain. To aapke legal documents mein aapka naam ‘Kumari Neha Kumar’ likha hoga, nahin ?!! He he he…! (Raucous guffaw)

Kyaa paar ki nazar hai aapki !

Bura mat maniye, main to sirf soch raha tha. Shaadi shudaa hain ?

(Seriously ?! Aapse matlab ? … I pendulate my head in an emphatic ‘No’.)

Nahi ? Arrey…shaadi ho gayi hoti, to kam-se-kam Shrimati Neha ‘Kumar’ to likh hi sakti thi…

(Affsos. Kuunwari Kumari Neha Kumar.)

Kahan se hain aap ?

Dilli se.

Dilli se? To ye aapka asli surname hai ?

Matlab ?

‘Kumar’ kisi ka asli surname to hota nahi hai.

(Chalo police thane mein report darz karwate hain.)

Kuch aur bhi to hoga… ‘Kumar’ ke aage ?

Nahi. Hamare parivaar mein kisi ne zyaada dimaag nahi lagaya. Jab mere pitaji ka janam hua, tab Rajendra Kumar bohat bade Bollywood actor the. Mere dadaji ne bhi, bina zyada soche, mere pitaji kaa naam Rajendra Kumar rakh diya. Unhi dino se ye ‘Kumar’ surname ki parampara chali aa rahi hai.

Aap to mazaak kar rahin hain, madam.

Nahi, nahi..bilkul nahi. Aap hi to jaanna chahte the ki mera surname ‘Kumar’ kaise pada.

Chalo jee… koi baat nahin. Shaadi ke baad to badal hi jaiyega. Hain jee ? Ha ha ha.

No aunty-waanty

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I know I’m thirty and something,

And to say this is, is probably a dumb thing,

But I can’t seem to get my head around,

Kids calling me ‘aunty’ and making me frown,

Even when I’m wearing jeans and a tee shirt,

Carrying a backpack, lest that dreaded name they blurt.

 

I mean, how in the world, do they gauge,

To call a human female an ‘aunty’ at which particular age,

How do they discern, with their eyes beady,

That this one is an ‘aunty’ and that one a ‘didi,’

Coz even if I dress up like a twenty year old,

“Aunty, zara ball pass karna,” is what I’m always told.

 

Its this Indian thing which makes me wrinkle,

Every woman is an aunty and every man an uncle,

Even in my thirties this is hard to digest,

To be called an ‘aunty’ or an ‘aurat’ is a sob fest,

Here I am, minding my business and walking with my jhola,

When someone calls and I pounce, “Salaa, aurat kisko bola?”

 

So how would you like to be addressed, my alter ego wonders aloud,

Probably a ‘lady’ or ‘Ms Neha’ may my wounds, and age, enshroud,

A ‘lady’ and an ‘aurat’ is the same thing, you might say,

But the two sound horrifically different, however you argue may !

 

This is an anger cloudburst and a disgruntled mutter,

And to cry “Aunty mat kaho na!” I’m dying to utter,

A new Hindi Shabdkosh, I petition, to invent and design,

To address the ladies in their thirties, some words divine,

A shabd poetic, for a young woman you just met,

No longer a ‘didi,’ and an ‘aurat’ not yet,

So let nobody, in the future, have the jurrat,

When they meet and greet, to call us an aunty or an aurat.

No Reservations

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Once there was a forest, lush and green,

With streams and plenitude and a king and a queen;

Until the day, the rains failed and it was hit by a drought,

And the life started dying and no new would sprout.

 

The king came up with an idea witty,

A plan to form a government committee;

To dig wells all over the land,

Reach deep into the core and harvest water by hand.

 

A grand scheme that would solve a lot of difficulties,

Fix the water scarcity and bring in job opportunities;

For they needed an animal in every acre,

Engineers, priests, scouts and labour.

 

At first the government showed responsibility,

Hiring animals on their merit and capability;

But then some members took an opposing stand,

And insisted, that the weaker animals be represented in the big band.

 

“But what if they are not trained or suitable for the job,”

Asked the wise tortoise, almost with a sob.

“Hush you fool,” said the king’s minister,

“Don’t utter such words sinister.”

“The king goes for polls next year,

 And everyone’s support, he holds dear.”

 

So the deer and the hares and the birds got their reserved places,

But soon everyone joined in their separate races;

All the animals wanted a bite of the pie,

And to get those jobs, they were ready to rage and cry;

Even the leopards and the tigers started fighting,

Burning the forest, biting and inciting.

 

In the end, each post in every job was reserved,

And no able animal, got what they deserved;

All those employed, didn’t know anything anyhow,

But nobody said a word, nor raised an eyebrow;

No well was dug, and no water came,

While the committee played, the game of blame and shame.

 

The plants and the animals started dying of thirst,

To find shelter in neighbouring lands, the others dispersed;

At wits end, and to embarrassment overcome,

The king came up with a quick-fix dumb;

Where wells were to be dug, statues were installed,

Of the Rain God and the River Goddess and millions sprawled.

 

Still there was no water and no rain,

Just a land laid to waste, and anger and pain;

Slowly, the life started ebbing away,

And that which was left, could not stand or burrow or prey;

As grass turned to sand,

A pack of wolves from a foreign land;

Raided the kingdom a few weeks later,

Snuck in by a begrudging traitor;

Killing and devouring everything in their way.

And thus died the forest on the doomsday.

 

This Panchatantra tale may be preachy and judgemental,

But resemblance to events, current, past or future, is intentionally coincidental;

Hoping, in this mayhem and confusion,

Someday we may find hope and reason;

End the hate and kick the reservation,

And let equality be our home’s foundation.

 

Murphy’s Law

murphys-law

Murphy’s Law states, in no order of particular importance, that :

No matter what your seat is on the aircraft, the diagonal distance (in feet) from a crying baby is constant.

The queue you are in, is always the longest. Especially when the nature’s call is strongest. And it increases in length, with your every chessboard move in the contest.

Your smartphone takes eons to recharge from 99% to 100% but seconds to discharge from 100% to 99%.

The stainiest food and the drooliest drip from your brood, electromagnetically attracts the newest dress with certitude.

The smelliest derriere blasts, are quite often the quietest. The loudest ones, on the other hand have a predilection for closed lifts and discerning company.

Your teeth turn into spinach hooks just before the toothiest smile and a frontal camera profile.

Among all the elements of this world, the time period for which you can wear a pair of jeans unwashed, has the highest tensile strength.

The nosy neighbourhood aunty calling out your pet name scores highest on the decibel scale. This test is validated strongest in the midst of your office colleagues.

You may not be Robert De Niro, or a superhero, but you will always be a zero for your boss.

The reason for all your problems is your marital status, single or married.

Fuller the stomach and fuller the bladder, bumpier the road. And dirtier the petrol pump commode.

When you’ve been bit by the stomach flu and the oft visited place is your loo, the Municipal Board spitefully cuts off the water supply too.

VDs

valentines-day

Amidst the barrage of heart shaped balloons and rose wrapped love-sick loonies on this Valentine’s Day (VD), here are a few ironic, oxymoronic, uncannily apt VD acronyms which could weakly or strongly be statistically associated with the crazy VD which is today…

Very Difficult

Voltage Drop

Volume of Distribution

Virtual Directory

Value Date

Veak and Dizzy (an emergency room non-urgent complaint)

Variability-Distortion

Vir Devotus (Latin: Devout Man, epigraphy)

Vivens Dedit (Latin: He Gave When Alive, epigraphy)

Vertical Descent

Venereal Disease

Vascular Dimentia

Voluntary Disclosure

Voluntary Departure

Weighty Wars

fat

It is probably a lot that I ate,
Or an ere supressed genetic trait,
Maybe a decelerated metabolic rate,
That pushed my BMI into ‘overweight.’

But let me make this straight,
It wouldn’t really help or motivate,
If you greeted someone at the gate,
Not with a hi, hello or you-look-great,
But “God, have you put on some weight !”

Coz there is a fact, if I may be so bold, to state,
Everyday, I look into a mirror and fixate,
Twirl around and my proportions calculate,
Wondering if the reflections an illusion create,
Praying for a magic pill for my adipose uprise to abate.

So, I don’t really need my ‘wazan’ update,
Or anyone to look concerned and an intervention implicate,
That I’m upping the scales is no cause for a debate,
Let us talk about the weather, if after a pause we must wait,
Coz this tale of weighty wars is hard to narrate,
And no reason to frustrate and infuriate,
For this may be hard for you to relate,
That to shrink myself thin, is what I obsess about most, of late.

Prelude

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Lets strum and thrum,

Away the glum,

With a little rum,

And a bongo drum,

Swing and hum,

With a chaddi chum,

Act a little foolish, play a little dumb,

Live a little more, dance a little some,

For the New Year is here to welcome,

With party and fun to succumb,

Kick some ass and move your bum,

Beat away the humdrum,

Beginnings new and opportunities plum ,

Let happiness be the rule of thumb,

Brave your fears and hurdles overcome,

Breathe in, breathe out, a better you become,

Add family and friends and take the vector sum,

Cheer in plenitude to celebrations platinum,

Laugh alone, laugh aloud, laugh till you are numb,

Listen to your heart, whatever may come,

No bungee jumps or risks worth taking, to shy away from,

Run a mile, shout aloud, take a break, escape the scrum,

Put on your party shoes and hold your job to ransom,

A flashy dress, a few cocktails and no seal to enthusiasm,

Pause in the middle of meetings and burst into a song random,

Wear headphones at work and jive to the music and freedom,

Streak your hair red, or your nails neon and kill the boredom,

Give junk a chance and a little street food that makes you go yum,

Reach out and meet the friends that you call seldom,

Try something new and kick the ancient wisdom,

For this is a year to fire up and be awesome,

To love and live with every inch and every atom.

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Terror-me-not

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“ The system doesn’t understand us.”
“ Their government will never accede to our demands.”
“ This is a war I owe my brethren.”
“ They killed our people and we will avenge their deaths.”
“ Nothing came out of meetings or discussions.”
“ If you want something, you have to take it by force.”
………………………………………………………………………………..

Yes, we don’t understand you. Because we don’t understand terror. We don’t understand killing those who never wronged you. We don’t understand how taking a life could have so little meaning to you.

What is your cause really? And in all the terror attacks you raged, did you really get anything your brethren and your women and your children wanted ?

People are killed by idiotic, selfish pricks on both sides. No wrongs could be righted nor the dead returned no matter how many innocents’ blood you shed or bombs you blast.

You may call yourselves ‘brave’ for putting your life at stake for your cause, but nothing could be more cowardly than to sneak in to our cities and our homes while we are unarmed and unaware, and spray your bullets on our children and women.

A kid who doesn’t like his meal and throws away his plate of food only goes hungry. An angry teenager could never make his parents listen to him by smashing things around in frustration. Just like blasting towns and destroying lives will never get you anywhere. Because we will never cower down. And no matter what you inflict on us, we will rise again. Like we always do.

Nothing may come out of a single or many meetings. But nothing, for sure, came out of a war. Nothing except needless killings and burnt homes and shattered lives. And no cause could justify that. No cause in the world could look into the eyes of the dead and uphold itself to be for the better good.